| heh |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|07:55 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | been a long time since i could close my eyes&see the light | ] |
Girl #1 "Guys. I think I am a lesbian"
Girls 2 and 3 - "well duh"
Girl 1 looks at girl 3 "are you bi?"
Girl #3 -"DUH!"
Girls 1 and 3 look and girl 2 - "Are you bi?"
Girl #2 -*sarcastic* "Nooo. Really?!"
Girls 1, 2, and 3 continue to mess around. |
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| many people would miss me if i went |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|01:02 am] |
Sometimes i wonder..... would people even miss me if i left.. if i died... if i killed myself.. if i got in an accident.... if someone killed me... if i was to be kidnapped... would anyone care?
yes... a few poele wuld.
but i would have had hardly any effect on the rest of the world in a weeks time.
i would b cried about for a week.. then forgottoen. forgotten so that people could go on with their life.
pople can forget me.
i can forget me.
my own parents culd forget me... and in a short time they would banash me from their minds till some sort of visual or sensual trigor would make thm remmember me.. and fr a brief seond. i willl be remembered..
i all ready feel so dead inside.. iwas doing s good... so good. i felt alive... oh.. i was doing so good.. but am falling so fast. when i am all alone.. i fall so fast... so fast.. and i never know what to do... i want to crawl into awhole and die.. shoot.. my own mom says that enough.. children only follow in their parents footsteps.. i wish.. i iwsh i had all the people around me again that i could talk with.. bu i think even the people at my work are starting to pick up on the fact that... i am not doing well.
I've fallen.. bad.. and i don't care how much farther i fall anymore.
i havent done anything to make my life better in a long time.. i just buy things.. use shopping therapy.. i buy things then give them to people... thats my therapy.. but it doesn't work.. and i am to afraid my personal life is going to effec my family and my work life that i am afraid t live. afraid t breath.. and afraid to look and someone the wrong way.
I have nightmares... for the fir the 4th night in a row i have had a nightmare.. differant each time... first about my dad when i was younger.. then my brother, then the day my grandpa died, then my ex.. and its all... oh god... i just.. i want to do something.. but i can't.... i think the most i could do to myself right now is too go dwn and buy a cigg.. but i can't even bring myself to do that... why? because the people that work at the gas station down the street used to work at the grocery store that i have been going to since i was like... 2.
I have no real life.
I have a hard shell molded with a fake smile and stainless steel heart. warm yet cold. not growing anymore... but falling from being so heavy... falling deep into an abyss that i dont even know anymore. |
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| not fine |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|12:27 am] |
Lately i have bein doing good.. not great.. good.
I used do be doing great.. and now..
i don't know.
Hallmark isn't even making me as happy as I was.. I dont know... i think tht i just feel like no matter what i do i am getting held back and I really dislike it.
There are people.. men.. and women.. that i would rather be hanging outwith then doing anything elsein the world right now.. but i can't... because my own lowsy self worth is so far gone that i am almost incapable of loving anyone right now.. I am capable of lust (one of the carnel sins I am in church to help prevent)... and thats all right now I don't think i could trully love anyone anymore.
i am not fine.
I am not great.
but i am good.
And i will try not to be bad. |
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| redone |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|10:54 pm] |
Whenever I look at you I dream
I dream of your smile
Even when you are turned away
I see you chewing your gum
smack,
smack,
smack,
POP!
You're even cute when you're sad
Your worried face drives me non-stop
Every time I look at you I dream
When you turn the corner I fall
I fall 1 million flights of stairs
falling,
falling,
falling,
and my heart goes numb,
and then i snap back to reality.
snap
Snap
SNAP
And I'm back in class. |
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| *sigh* |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | White Houses <~> Venessa Carlton | ] |
Sometimes i just feel hopelessly stupid.. you know? like something is eating away at my brain.
A couple of my friends were joking around with Morelli today and we were just laughing and we came up with this dare "dude.. go hit on the teacher and we will buy you lunch!" (he had no breakfast or lunch and he had been hitting us up for cash all morning) he walked over and said "hey, heather. those pants look good on you" " Are you making fun of me __(insert last name here)__?" "no, those pants just look really good on you." "...thank you.." "So aaa... What are you doing this weekend?" needless to say we got a big huge goofy open mouth grin out of her.. that was absolutly funny. she was like... "ahh." and looking around the ground and trying not to look him in the eyes. it was funny.. we decided to call him back and called to play hackie sack with us.. which saved her the embarrassment of forming words (i believe).
Then later one of my friends was like.. i should invite her to the football game... but I don't want to by myself.. so i went over there with him and after about 15 minutes i convinved her to .. and she was like "are you going?" and i was like "yeah. i'll be there at seven.. over by the band".. "well then i'll be there.. i'll get there about 15 to seven.. i'll look for tyees band then. "you can't really miss them... you know. big drums, trombones, clarinets.. can't miss the noise" she started laughing and agreed that she will.. well.. I got home and told my mom.. and my mom was like.. no.. I don't feel like it tonight... so i gave her the silent treatment till she said "i'm sorry but i don't want to drive you all the way down to quest feild! "quest feild!? i didn't even say quest! i said highline stadium!" "no you didn't! "yes, yes i did!" needless to say i didn't get to go.. and now i have to work tomorrow and try to call everyone to make sure they are coming to the wedding shower.. which knowing people.. they wont. heh. cause for some reason i have friends that don't ever listen to me.. nor pay any attention to my posts.
oh. and one more thing.. yeah.. been clean of ciggerettes for over a month. yes.. almost two. but i am seriously wanting one bad.. not joking. i want a cigg.. i want some vodka.. i want my steven... and i want to know i still have friends... do you know whats hard? the fact that the only friend i still talk to is Kaleigh.. who doesn't live really near me.. so i can't do anything with her.. but all my friends that live close enough.. i don't even know whats going on with them anymore. heh. so much for all those wonderful friendships... god.. i was never any good at being a friend.
*sigh*
"she's so pretty, and she's so short" |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2006|01:05 am] |
|
Whenever I look at you i dream
I dream of your smile
even when you are turned away I see you chewing your gum
smack,
smack,
smack,
POP! Your even cute when your sad
you worried face drives me crazy
every time i look at you dream when you turn the corner i fall
I fall 1 million flights of stairs
falling,
falling,
falling,
and my heart goes numb and then i snap back to reality.
you are married,
you are my teacher,
you are a friend,
And i wont do anything to change that.
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| *sigh* I'm so bi its not even funny. |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|11:07 pm] |
Heather is fucking hot... and its quite sad were she sat me too... because i am in the back of the class.. and when i get distracted and look away can see into her office... through a mirror.. and just see her... god. I'm pathetic... but dang. she is just.. well... hot. and unfortuantly... recently married to a very hot man.
and there is this girl name Anne who keeps coming in my store.. she wears all black.. has short black hair.. lots of tatoos and silver jewerly every where... and she always asks me if i can help her find gifts for her girlfriend.. i just want to convince her one of these days that... hey.. fuck that girl. I'm here.. and I have a job ;) |
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